10 Moons ~ 40 Weeks Part 2: Conscious conception, a profound journey and becoming a portal for this sacred being’s birth.
I grew a human! I. Grew. A. Human. I’ve had to repeat this to myself constantly. With Milo being Earthside, it’s sometimes hard to wrap my head around the enigmatic truth that he was once inside, growing – and together our bodies, knowing what to do, grew him.
I have always loved biology and human anatomy, learning about nature and the nature of things, how things work. Studying human anatomy and understanding just this little bit of our incredible design (because there is so much that we don’t know, so much that is intangible and un-studiable) certainly increased my awareness and fascination with our amazing bodies. And now, going through the most powerful physical expression of human potential, creating a new life, absolutely blew my mind. I have gained so much more respect and admiration for our body, but more-so, the female body. Our unequivocal ability to expand, grow and house another human for this gestation, is an experience like no other. It deeply connected me to my body and purpose.
During my pregnancy, I was awe of how my body was expanding and transforming to create home for a new being, and also growing a human inside! It does take a certain amount of conscious thought to wrap your head around. Often, on the outside, it seems so abstract until the baby “comes out” – but to actually hold for a moment, the thought that our body is actively growing a human, can blow your mind.
It was really exciting to watch and feel my body grow! I remember at 13 weeks, I could feel him move! We were in Germany, and I could feel little tickles in my lower abdomen – a gentle popping sensation! It was absolutely incredible! Not having any ultrasound or prenatal screening, and giving full trust to my body and baby, and then feeling these movements, made it all so real and powerful in that moment! It was no longer this abstract process of growing a baby, but that it was really there! And doing well enough to move! I thanked my body and my baby for giving me the awareness to feel so early, and for communicating to me that “hey! I’m here!”. Any days when I wasn’t aware of movements, I’d take a moment to talk to my baby, and ask, “Is everything ok?” And soon enough, I’d feel a little flutter, or a big kick reassuring me that all is well and maybe he was just taking another nap.
I think about Milo’s birth constantly, almost every day. So many moments, making up the ‘big’ event, yet, so easily I forget how it felt to be with a belly, thirty pounds heavier and massaging or dancing; the discomfort of those last few weeks of trying to sleep but dreading nighttime and only really enjoying my naps; never feeling completely comfortable, but always feeling grateful and happy. I took many pictures and wrote a lot of reflection so that I would remember all the cool things my body allowed me to do during those transformative forty weeks. I respected it, and it gave me back so much! Now, I look back and feel “yeah! I did that! – I can do ANYTHING!”
I am so thankful for my tribe. I am who I am because of my tribe. For the support, the wisdom, the encouragement and sisterhood.
Check out my previous post for the story of my journey through pregnancy.
I know that many other mamas who have experienced birth might relate – and that we each have different experiences, however, I just knew it was time to share these words from my heart. Thank you for listening.
Part 1: Conscious conception, a profound journey and becoming a portal for this sacred being’s birth.
Pregnancy and birth aren’t just about giving birth at the end of this 10 moon cycle. It’s a journey during these 10 moons. Often we get asked how the birth went, and then, as time passes, the focus changes to the baby, forgetting how mama is doing (not my situation, but for many). Most women like to share the negative aspects of pregnancy – of how they had horrible morning sickness and their body grew and they gained weight…all the discomforts. I CHOSE not to dwell on those, very natural, very expected, minor discomforts. I CHOSE to talk to my body, my mind, my baby, in the most honourable, loving, respectful way – thanking nature and the universe for giving me the opportunity to create a home for a being, surrendering to what is most natural for my body to do, and embracing all the changes along the way – to show respect and admiration for our fascinating design and functions as human women!
I know each of us and our babies are distinct, and thus, our pregnancies and births – this is my story. Just that. I am not seeking to compare or suggest, just share, what has been my journey and only mine.
So, here is a little story, honouring my pregnancy, birth comes after. I’d like to share my pregnancy story. Of how I got to the birth, of how I got to the right moment for my baby to decide it was time to join us Earthside. The journey of birth and motherhood really starts as a journey of a womyn, many moons before birth.
My pregnancy was full of me being me – doing all the things Audrey would do, while, listening to my body, my baby and doing all my inner work in preparation for this transformation into a mother. I know that there really isn’t anything you can do to be fully prepared for life or motherhood, but there are ways to prepare as best as we can. With the guidance and inspiration of the wimyn and tribe around me, I started this incredible journey.
I experienced my journey dancing, travelling, performing, massaging, learning, teaching dance, meditating, yoga, taking courses, reading, hiking, writing, Pilates, reflecting, praying, talking to my baby, talking to my ancestors & guides, swimming, staring at the moon, kissing, cuddling, eating, making meals, spending time with family, getting a massage…did I mention dancing?
My journey took me through many emotions, mostly blissful, being in awe of my growing body and having deep gratitude for my extremely supportive partner. I spent much time meditating, continuing to nurture the connection to my body and mind, knowing that this is where my power was and ultimately, knowing that this would be how I could embrace any doubt and fear, and transform them into tools of my consciousness; to be aware of what might arise during the birth process.
I spent many, many hours reading – so much pregnancy prep and birth prep. I meditated, did gentle yoga, and prenatal Pilates, explored new boundaries as my body softened and stretched. My doula and birth keeper were two fantastic wimyn who nurtured me to rise and embody my power – they provided a profound support and made me feel safe with any doubt that crossed my field.
Above all, which is hard to capture in a picture, I rested. I cut my hours at work during my first trimester. I allowed my body to surrender to the needs of my growing baby. I worked, I ate, I came home and napped hard. I took time to meditate and rest my body. I would get so tired after a meal that I would crash hard for a few hours. And then, as my belly grew, I couldn’t eat the same portions, so I could eat less but frequently and rest more.
I ensured to keep movement and hydration a great part of my day, as well as seeing my chiropractor every two weeks until my 38th week. She was a vital part of my pregnancy and I am so thankful for her work – and my trust in her. I did receive massage therapy, however, I saw my chiropractor more regularly to compliment all the changes in my body.
Each day one step closer. One step closer to the known unknown. We know there is an end point, when this being takes it’s first breath, to then become the starting point of everything else. However, until that point, I remain in the unknown. As an adventurer, I enjoy being in this familiar place, awaiting the unknown, embracing it. This time, it feels a little different.
I never got to a point of being “too pregnant” – wanting the pregnancy to end. I surely I felt a lot of anticipation towards the end, but never a sense of “Ok, I’m done and I want this baby out!” I never felt like this. He came when it was just right for him to come. I accepted since the beginning that this was his journey, not just mine. I am the portal, so I accept whatever path it takes, however long or short it is. This acceptance made the entire process so much easier, lighter, and gentler.
It is a skill to listen to your body. To create and nurture this unique relationship. It didn’t come just during the pregnancy. I had to foster this for years before – and yes, pregnancy allowed that relationship to become more profound, but it never ends, I continue to learn about my body (all 10 realms of it) and I continue to go deeper, understanding the physical and metaphysical to truly honour it. Pregnancy and birth have shone light over this other superpower we have as wimyn, that only gets unlocked and used when we enter the pregnancy and birthing process. The whole experience connected me to this entire other aspect of my being, this magic and wisdom!
Pregnancy and motherhood has been a lot about acceptance, a better word, embracing. Having an awareness and deep connection, but also embracing as the journey unravels. My inner guidance has given me so much strength, clarity and motivation, that I felt strong – of course knowing that I “didn’t know what was to come” but having trust in my body and baby that they would do what is natural to allow birth to unfold, and the unknown no longer feel like I needed to fear it. And now, each day, having some idea of what to expect, but also being open and embracing, the “not knowing” what’s to really come.
Birth is a culmination of everything prior to that very special moment that our babies take their first breath Earthside. Birth has been this entanglement of my inner work, my self-love, the physical nourishment, the rest, the interactions, the mindset, the openness, and being surrounded by loving support. We as mothers are the portal, alone in our path to bring a being into the world, however, we are not alone on that journey to get there. We get there because of our tribe.
The strength and courage of my friends, having home births, listening to their natural cycles, honouring their bodies and babies, had a profound impact on my own path. I found myself at the Womyn’s Summit in 2018, learning about my monthly cycle, about being a womyn and living amongst a community of wimyn, my tribe. This gave me a lot of inspiration of how it is possible to live differently, in harmony together and foster this in our cycles as wimyn. Over the years as I witnessed the wimyn in my tribe transform into powerful mamas, as I’ve watched other dancers embrace the changes in their bodies and continue their path, while taking on this new layer of life, as a mama. It gave me the inspiration to think, yes, I can do this! I don’t have to fear sacrificing my freedom as a womyn; I can be me and also be a mother. I want my child to know I am happy, healthy, living my passions and listening to my heart and soul’s calling. After much deep reflection and sweet talks with Siggi, my soulmate and loving partner, we made a conscious choice to invite a soul to join us. I have lots to say on our conscious conception and choices – so please read more in my next blogs. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this story! <3